Welcome back, friends!
Today’s post is based on a topic that has consumed my mind for the past month or so. I’ve seen multiple videos from YouTubers where they address a letter to their future husband, wife, kids, etc.. and I have always wanted to write one. I decided to put a little bit of a twist on the idea, and my open letter today is addressed to my former love. Feel free to throw it a like and follow for more posts in the future! Enjoy!
It’s been about two months since we ended our 10 month-long relationship. I wasn’t ready for sex, moving in together, or giving up who I am for what would best suit your family. This letter will serve as my closure; these are the words I never got the chance to say.
For starters, if someone loves another person then there should be no pressure for intimacy. Being that I am a virgin and you were my second relationship ever, I simply wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with another person. Our relationship revolved around all things sexual since day one. Though I had been rather flirtatious and suggestive in the beginning, that didn’t mean I was ready. I may have pleased you in other forms of sex, but that didn’t mean I needed to continually please you in order for my love to translate. After repeatedly telling you no I began to feel disrespected. Yes, I was your girlfriend. No, that didn’t mean I owed you my body or any sexual favors. Period. I wish that made more sense to you while we were still together.
Along with not being ready for sex, I wasn’t ready to move in with you. We had been together for 10 months, and while I say rock on to other couples moving in after a few months, that isn’t what I wanted. Yes, I was the one who initially brought up moving in together ASAP, but you made valid points of costs being unmanageable at the time as well as it being too soon for yourself. I respected your decision, and as time passed my feelings toward moving in together started to shift. I slipped into depression with work and dealing with going back to school. I felt like I was falling into an abyss and didn’t know where I was going with my life. I wasn’t happy and I tried my hardest to explain it to you. When you acted cold about it, I started to completely suppress all my negative emotions. I want you to know that I had never felt more alone than when I called you, bawling my eyes out, telling you how much I loved you and how scared I was of losing you. I was honestly suffering while trying to figure out what I was going through myself, and talking to you about it was like talking to a brick wall. The stresses from work truly began to take a toll on our relationship, and for that I am sorry. I wasn’t happy with the way our relationship was heading, or with how I began treating us. When you put a date on us moving in together, it only added to the stress, and I think this is when I started to close my doors to you. It wasn’t that I didn’t love you anymore, but rather that I needed to take a step back and do some self reflecting.
Finally, with our relationship on the rocks the last thing I needed was your parents’ opinion of me. I always knew money was a big deal in your family, and I tried not to let it bother me, but it was honestly terrifying. I was not seeking their approval, because I didn’t need it. I supported everything you chose to do during the span of our relationship. That’s what a relationship is; however, the support wasn’t reciprocated when they decided to bash my personal decision in making my first adult purchase; a reliable car. Something that was supposed to be exciting and a step of maturity, quickly became the wrong thing to do and was highly disrespected; though I will have you know that I proudly make my own payment on time every month. I knew exactly what I was asking for when I decided to sign for it. The point is, I already felt the lowest I had ever been in my life, and you didn’t stop their judgement but rather joined in; that was the final straw. I know they aren’t all that accepting of the future you see for yourself, and I am sorry for that. But I stood by your side and encouraged you to chase your goals. I wanted to see you happy doing something you held a genuine interest for. What hurt me the most is discovering you told your mother that you were going to move “with or without me”, that I was simply just “financial support”, and in your eyes my car purchase was a set back. I probably will never get an apology or an explanation from you, but I will take lessons from the time that we shared.
If you were to take away anything, I would want it to be this: we are two individuals who decided to share our time with each other. I never agreed to be bonded to you financially, and unfortunately money and sex overpowered love in our relationship. I do, however, want to thank you for opening my mind to new experiences and for trying new things with me. You taught me a bit about myself and the world, and I hope that I was able to do the same for you.